I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
