then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
