p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
