After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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