3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm drive I can fine osifer
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
