I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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