It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
