I'm going to jail i love you
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize