How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
