WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
