Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
do herpes really smell.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
