You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
