Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
