That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
