If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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