i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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