you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
