Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
