Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize