you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize