I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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