some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You took a bar mat shot.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
