went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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