she smelled like a LAN party
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just high enough for therapy.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize