am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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