Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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