My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
