now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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