today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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