Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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