he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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