my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
