dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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