I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
