I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
