So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize