Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
