before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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