so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize