i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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