Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
