Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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