Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
