just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize