Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
