the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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