I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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