If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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