I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
