I am midnight drunk by noon
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
