I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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