so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
