I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
