Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
