Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
