I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
