I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
