The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
