I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
