Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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