3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
