Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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