ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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