I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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