last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
